Text 7 Nov painful endings

Dan left yesterday.  He’s driving to Texas now to finish his training.  I don’t know if I’ll ever get to see him again.  Our last weekend together was absolutely amazing.  It’s wasn’t anything extravagant, but I felt so good to be with him. It was bittersweet knowing he was leaving but I’m happy things went the way they did. I’ve cried these two nights without him because I know that he’s really gone. It’s settling in slowly, I only saw him on weekends as it was, but now I have nothing to look forward to at the end of every week.  There is a huge hole in my heart that may never be fully repaired. I can only hope that this isn’t the end for us.  He promised to keep in touch, and I know that he will. But its just not going to be the same not being able to see him.  

I think I’m going to give up on dating for a while.  I don’t want to open myself up like this only to feel this way again so soon.  

It would be different if we had to break up for something else, like things just not working out, or even infidelity.  I’d rather be mad at him if only to ease the pain I’m suffering now.  This may very well be my first seriously broken heart.  Every other relationship had ended because someones feelings (usually mine) weren’t the same any more and the desperation didn’t feel like my heart was tearing into pieces.  

We left each other feeling completely happy with one another.  Feeling that there could be a future together in any other situation, we knew the consequences and decided to continue on anyways. I do not regret it, not in the least.  But I would never wish this type of heart ache on anyone. My heart aches for him to be back here with me. To hold him, to be held by him, to know that there isn’t a foreseeable end.  I miss him. I love him, and I probably always will.  

Link 20 Sep 2,200 notes one forty plus: Hi everyone, After several months of going week to week monitoring and...»


Hi everyone,

After several months of going week to week monitoring and hoping to correct the condition, I am forced to cancel my upcoming singing engagements due to something next to my vocal cords called a granuloma.

I’m bummed to have to bow out of both the iheartradio Music Festival in Las…

I’m really sorry to hear my favorite artist is dealing with something that could cause severe issues to something that he loves most in life.  I will be praying for him to have a speedy recovery and wish him the best in this time of need.  :-( I’m really sad. 

Text 12 Sep Love and Timing

How do you approach the subject of telling someone you love them for the first time? I’ve never been the first to say it.  I think i’ve always been the first to feel it though.  

I think in any other circumstance it would be an easy task.  However, Dan is leaving, and so am I for that matter, in less than 2 months.  I want to tell him how I feel but how, and when? 

I’m so confused about him sometimes. I know he really cares, and I know he doesn’t want to confront those feelings if he doesn’t have to just to make it easier on us both when he leaves, but I feel like if I don’t say it it’s going to just slip out sometime unexpectedly and not come out the way I want it to… 

I don’t want to say it and have the rest of the time together tainted because i said it, but I don’t want to not say it and regret it. I know I need to say how I feel and I think I know how he’ll respond, but I’m just so worried that I’ve misread him or that even worse that he could feel the same and then him leaving will be too hard… 

Text 31 Jul DAMNIT

I just wrote a HUGE post about applying to CCA and I went to submit it forgetting I wasn’t connected to the internet anymore and I lost the text. BOOOOOOOOOO! Stupid computer. Stupid internet. Stupid ME! Anyways. I’m not about to try and rewrite it since no one reads this anyways…. 

Text 12 Jul Enlightened

So, Dan shared something recently.  He says he identifies as ‘pansexual’ which if you are unaware is someone who is attracted to people of all gender identification, i.e. not just male or female, but gay, lesbian, androgony, transvestite, and everything in between. This doesn’t bother me at all. In fact I am rather more turned on by him because of it.  Basically he’s a man who is attracted to individuals for their individuality, personality, and what makes them who they are.  When he says “I love you.” to someone he means “I love YOU” which I find very very appealing.  

He also shared a little more in the ways of sexual attraction and what he likes in the bedroom, stuff he’s never told me before.  And because of this our sex has been much more satisfactory, and even much more passionate.  I really think that if we could ever get the chance to pursue a real honest relationship I could completely lose myself in him.  I’ve noticed he’s sort of opening up a bit more lately and I really like it. I know I cant let myself get too carried away because the potential to lose myself is too great knowing that there is an end. 

Ugh, just when I think it’s going to be easy to let him go he tells me this and makes me feel like i’ve gone back to square one. Dammit dammit dammit! 

Text 22 Jun jumping the gun…

maybe i did with my last post. i do have some serious feelings for Dan but I don’t think they are at the point of truly being that “falling in love” feeling.  

Half of me wants to let myself feel that, but half of me knows better.  I think the half that knows better is starting to take over.  I am starting to feel that as great as he is, i dont ever have anything to say around him, nor do i know what to say when he talks about stuff.  i don’t like that i can only see him weekends and i hate that i cant contribute anything to the situation when we go out. i hate being broke. i hate not having money and i hate not being able to pay for somethings.  i know he doesnt care. and i know its not an issue for him at all but i just feel like i need to be able to contribute. so, once dan leaves i’m not going to actively seek a relationship unless i’m working.  i think its the best thing for me. plus i want to try and lose some more weight to make myself feel better physically.  it would make me feel more confident. i’m also going to try and be more knowledgeable about the news and have something worth saying. it’s a hard task for me to take on but i’m going to try. i also want to improve my spanish as much as possible. 

i think all this stuff may be some self improvements that i need to take on in order to be happier in life. i know i’m better than where i’m at currently and its about time i prove it. 

Dan has helped me realize who i want to be, and if i can ever meet anyone like him in my future i will be a happy girl. i know he’ll probably be the one that got away. the guy who i will never get over. but i’m still glad i got the opportunity to get to know him and have this relationship with him, no matter how casual it may be between us. 

Text 13 Jun This is hard…

I think it’s official. I am in love with Dan.  I wonder in any other situation if he and I were together how the outcome would be.  Would we last? Would he fall in love with me too? Half of my heart wants to tell him how I feel and half of my heart wants to keep up the wall and protect me from the hurt that I know is coming.  

John Mayer- Half of my Heart

I was born in the arms of imaginary friends
Free to roam, made a home out of everywhere I’ve been

Then you come on crashing in
Like the realest thing
Trying my best to understand
All that your love can bring

Oh, half of my heart’s got a grip on the situation
Half of my heart takes time
Half of my heart’s got a right mind
To tell you that I can’t keep lovin’ you, can’t keep lovin’ you
Oh, with half of my heart

I was made to believe I’d never love somebody else
Made a plan, stay the man who can only love himself

Lonely was the song I sang
'Til the day you came
Showing me another way
And all that my love can bring

Oh, half of my heart’s got a grip on the situation
Half of my heart takes time
Half of my heart’s got a right mind
To tell you that I can’t keep lovin’ you, can’t keep lovin’ you
Oh, with half of my heart, with half of my heart

Your faith is strong, but I can only fall short for so long
Down the road, later on
You will hate that I never gave more to you
Than half of my heart

But I can’t stop lovin’ you, I can’t stop lovin’ you
I can’t stop lovin’ you, I can’t stop lovin’ you,
I can’t stop lovin’ you with half of my
Half of my heart, oh half of my heart

Half of my heart’s got a real good imagination
Half of my heart’s got you
Half of my heart’s got a right mind to tell you
That half of my heart won’t do

Half of my heart is a shot gun wedding
To a bride with a paper ring
And half of my heart is the part of a man
Who’s never truly loved anything

Half of my heart, oh half of my heart
Half of my heart, oh half of my heart
Half of my heart, oh half of my heart

Text 31 May Double Uh oh.

Been talking to Cameron a lot. He is quite the charmer. He’s fucking adorable too. I have so much lust for him. We did a webcam chat last night, did quite a bit of naughty things during it and he made me smile and blush with a single look. It’s rather addicting talking to him. He was supposed to go to bed early that night because he was flying to michigan to visit family and we stayed up until 6 am together. We did a lot of staring into each others eyes, and talking dirty to each other. It was quite a night. I know we’ll do it again too. It’s amazing that I’ve been really falling for people who are younger than me lately rather than older. Collin is 19, Cameron is 19, it’s sorta crazy, makes me wonder if the whole preference to older men i have is a stupid preference. 

Text 23 May Uh oh

So, I recently discovered some deep rooted feelings for Collin.  I’ve always has a special place in my heart for him but I’m thinking something else now. I know I’m seeing Dan and I know it’s also ending in August when he leaves to Texas.  We talked about being in a relationship but nothing was actually decided upon.  I’ve been having some very loaded conversations with Collin lately.  I’m just not sure how I should be feeling. I know my feelings for Collin are a little different than my feelings for Dan.  Collin and I have been friends for a very long time whereas Dan and I have only known each other for about a month and a half.  I know that Collin will be in my life for a very long time if not until the very end, but Dan is questionable, I don’t even know if we will remain in contact at all after he leaves.  What’s hard for me is that Dan is someone I feel like if given the opportunity I would see us together for a long time.  Collin is someone who I’ve only just begun to have feelings for other than normal friend feelings.  Dan however, I know I won’t have that lasting romantic relationship with because of the military.  That kills me every time I think about it. I know that I have some serious feelings for him, bordering on being in love with him. I think I am falling in love with him and I know how this is going to play out but I can’t keep myself from feeling the way I do.  

I know how I feel about Collin, I love him for completely different reasons, but I can see that evolving into something else. I’m ok with that happening too. I just hate that he lives so far away. If he lived within a reasonable proximity I know he and I would probably already be involved.  That’s just the nature of the beast in our situation.  

I’m just really struggling with the idea of caring for two people at once. It’s not often I can feel that way, in fact I think this is the only time I’ve ever felt this way.  

I am seriously at a loss.  It’s hard for me to not let my heart run away with love when the people are so amazing.  Dan is amazing, I want nothing more than to be with him all hours of the day and night and to never leave his side and just stare into his eyes and be in love. It’s bad enough that I just am at a loss for words in his presence. It’s like being in love with the idea of love.  Kissing him is like having a steamy moment with a sexy mysterious man in a dark alley without even exchanging words or names before or after the encounter.  It’s like that EVERY time.  

Collin is different, I love him and I want to talk to him and just hang out and be best friends and lovers and have a normal non-obsessive functional relationship with him. I can see that happening with him.  I’ve never done anything but hold hands and hug Collin so our sexual relationship has only been exchanged through words.  Collin leaves one gasping for breath upon a passing glance.  There is serious untapped potential.  Talking to him provokes flashes of potential moments that leave you weak in the knees and short of breath. It’s like the moment you pass someone on the street and your hands brush against each other and you share a moment after you lock eyes and you feel the electricity spark between the two of you and time slows for a moment before picking up again leaving you dead in your tracks. Yeah, it’s kind of like that. 

I can’t explain it any better than that…. I think you can understand my dilemma now.

Text 20 May Naughty Hotel Weekend?

Yes, it looks that way.  

Dan wants to get a hotel room for some weekend and spend the evening together relaxing and away from everyone. I like this idea. Probably more than I should. I am pretty excited about it because it would be the first time I did this without actually leaving town. Just to have a quiet place to be together.

OH how I yearn for this! He’s pretty amazing. 

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